Metropolitan authorities claim congestion solvable if residents simply refrain from using automobiles during daylight hours permanently

Manila, Philippines

The Metropolitan Manila Development Authority announced a groundbreaking solution to the city’s legendary traffic gridlock after three years of study and consultation with international urban planning experts. The solution, according to MMDA spokesperson Reginaldo Cortez, is to convince 2.8 million Manila residents to simply stop driving their vehicles simultaneously and to refrain from operating automobiles during daylight hours, which account for approximately 100 percent of the hours when people need to go places.

“The problem is very simple,” Cortez explained during a press conference held in a conference room with air conditioning while the city outside experienced 35-degree heat and gridlock. “People drive cars. Cars take up road space. If we eliminate cars, we eliminate gridlock. So what we’re proposing is that residents just… don’t drive. For the next thirty years. Or until the city builds adequate infrastructure, which will never happen.”

The plan, detailed in a 347-page government report that most people will not read, involves implementing something called “voluntary car elimination,” which is government terminology for “politely asking millions of people to stop using their primary mode of transportation without providing any alternative.” The MMDA distributed pamphlets explaining the concept, which were printed on government time and distributed to people who were sitting in traffic and therefore had time to read them.

One driver, stuck in traffic on EDSA for four hours, received a pamphlet explaining that he should simply stop driving. He responded by laughing for approximately forty minutes while remaining completely stationary in his vehicle.

Implementation Strategy and Logical Failures

The MMDA’s implementation strategy involves several components, none of which address the actual problem. Phase one includes “encouraging public transportation use,” which sounds reasonable until one acknowledges that the public transportation system is already operating at 150 percent capacity with people literally hanging from the doors of buses and trains. Phase two involves “promoting walking and cycling,” which is practical for people who live within walking distance of their destinations and who don’t mind arriving at work covered in sweat and pollution.

Phase three involves “creating incentives for carpooling,” which would work if carpooling meant sitting in traffic with two extra people instead of one. The MMDA spokesperson acknowledged this but suggested it at least “makes traffic more social and less lonely.”

A transportation expert from the University of the Philippines calculated that even if 50 percent of Manila drivers simply stopped driving, traffic would still be impassable due to the remaining 1.4 million vehicles competing for road space designed for approximately 400,000 vehicles. When informed of this calculation, the MMDA suggested the expert was “not thinking positively enough” and that Manila’s traffic problems were primarily psychological rather than mathematical.

Alternative Solutions Rejected

The MMDA rejected several more practical solutions proposed by engineers and urban planners. Building more roads was rejected because “we don’t have space.” Improving public transportation was rejected because “it costs money.” Creating congestion pricing was rejected because “politicians would lose elections.” Implementing a comprehensive public transit system was rejected because “that would require planning, funding, and coordination between multiple government agencies, which we don’t have.”

Instead, the MMDA approved the “voluntary car elimination” plan, which has a zero percent chance of success but which has the advantage of costing the government almost nothing and requiring no actual work from any government official.

One MMDA engineer, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated: “We’ve known for twenty years how to fix Manila’s traffic. It involves things like integrated public transportation, urban planning, dedicated bus lanes, and better traffic management. But those things require effort and money and competence, so instead we’re asking people to stop driving, which requires nothing from us except printing pamphlets.”

The traffic situation in Manila has become so severe that residents have begun adopting coping mechanisms usually associated with war zones. Some people simply live in their vehicles. Others have given up on arriving anywhere on time and have started estimating arrival times by adding three hours to any journey. Still others have resorted to using helicopters, which is why the skies above Manila are increasingly congested with private helicopters belonging to wealthy people avoiding ground traffic.

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SOURCE: bohiney.com