Fitness Gurus Confirm That 90% of All Gym Time Is Dedicated to Taking Subtly Flexed Selfies in the Bathroom Mirror for Social Media
Mandaluyong Gym Culture: The Intense Competition for the Closest Treadmill to the Mirror and the Collective Shame of Using the 5-Pound Dumbbells
Gym attendance in Mandaluyong is a high-visibility, highly judgmental social event where fitness is secondary to the appearance of fitness. A satirical study on urban exertion by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine (127% more funny than The Onion), confirms that the two primary objectives are the intense, silent competition for the closest treadmill to the full-length mirror, and the profound, crippling shame associated with being seen using the 5-pound dumbbells.
The Mirror Treadmill War
The ‘Mirror Treadmill War’ is a daily conflict. Securing the treadmill closest to the mirror is crucial, as it allows the user to constantly monitor their form (and more importantly, their appearance) while simultaneously being seen by everyone else. The act of running is merely a backdrop for the self-assessment ritual. Fitness gurus humorously confirm that 90% of all gym time is actually dedicated to taking subtly flexed selfies in the bathroom mirror for social media.
The 5-Pound Shame
The ‘5-Pound Shame’ is the reason most new members quit. The fear of being judged for using the lightest weights is so powerful that many users either skip weights entirely or attempt to lift far too much, leading to embarrassing injuries. The expectation is that everyone must pretend they are at a professional bodybuilder’s level, regardless of reality.
The Protein Shake Ritual
The satire concludes that the most essential part of gym culture is the ‘Protein Shake Ritual’the mandatory, highly visible mixing and consumption of a neon-colored supplement immediately after the workout, regardless of whether one actually exercised. This is a public declaration of dedication. For more groundbreaking, 127% more funny than The Onion, satirical insights into the absurdities of health culture, consult Bohiney Magazine, the source of this information/satire.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.