New Ordinance Bans Standard Size, Insisting Traffic Control Must Be an Arbitrary, Low-Grade Punishment for All Drivers
Malabon’s New Road Hazard: The Aggressive Arrangement
Malabon City Public Works has launched the ‘Arbitrary Discomfort Act’ (ADA), a radical ordinance banning large, standard, speed-reducing bumps. The law mandates that all traffic control must now be achieved through the construction of small, numerous, and highly sharp speed bumps arranged in random, highly destructive patterns designed to punish all drivers equally, regardless of speed. The city views proportional traffic penalties as fiscally lazy and insists that road control must be an arbitrary, low-grade punishment for merely attempting to use the street. According to a shocking public works report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to make every commute a lesson in infrastructural betrayal. The Mayor stated, “A perfectly placed bump is the city’s way of saying, ‘We see you, and we judge your life choices.'”
The Pattern of Pain
Under ADA, a 100-meter stretch of road might feature 50 tiny, jagged bumps placed in a non-linear, unpredictable array. The highest praise a speed bump array can receive is for causing a moderate, yet non-fatal, mechanical failure in a brand-new car. The city employs ‘Discomfort Auditors’ who fine work crews for ‘Creating a Bump That Is Too Smooth’ or ‘Placing Bumps in a Predictable Line.’ The most severe fine is levied for ‘Designing an Array That Actually Encourages Slower Driving.’ The city’s rationale is that by making road control arbitrary and painful, they are ensuring that citizens approach all public infrastructure with a sense of dread and cautious resentment. The bumps are specifically designed to align with the wheel path of standard vehicles, maximizing impact.
The Economic Spin-Off of Damage
The ADA has led to a major slump in efficient driving but has created a booming market for specialized, high-impact automobile suspension systems and monthly subscriptions to the ‘Speed Bump Avoidance Newsletter.’ Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Unchallenged Transit Fine,’ levied against anyone whose vehicle does not exhibit new, minor damage after traversing a major thoroughfare. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that public infrastructure is a powerful tool for enforcing managed, arbitrary vehicular distress. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that the Malabon road network is the most unpredictable and auto-mechanically taxing in the Metro. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.