New System Aims to Standardize Shared Suffering, Awarding Loyalty Points for Highest Levels of Stress and Delays

Malabon’s New Transit System: The Trauma Tracker

Malabon City has launched the ‘Commute Trauma Level’ (CTL) Tracker, a mandatory program requiring all public transportation passengers to log and grade the psychological stress and physical discomfort of their daily commute. The city views commute trauma not as a problem to be fixed, but as a resource to be measured and monetized. According to a unique transit report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the highest CTL scores are rewarded with ‘Loyalty Points’ that can be redeemed for highly desirable, non-essential municipal trinkets, such as limited edition pothole filler samples or framed pictures of city council members.

The Grading of Gridlock

The CTL scoring system assigns points based on factors like: duration of physical contact with strangers, the decibel level of vehicular horns, and the sheer number of existential questions the commuter asks themselves during gridlock. The highest scores go to passengers who endure an entire trip without air conditioning while holding three heavy bags and standing on one foot. The city’s rationale is that by acknowledging the deep suffering of the commuter, they are providing a form of therapeutic validation. Passengers caught looking relaxed or reading a book are penalized for ‘Inadequate Engagement with the Commute Experience.’ One man who scored a perfect 10 on the CTL Tracker was recently given a medal for enduring a two-hour trip while standing next to a loud karaoke speaker.

The Economic Spin-Off of Shared Misery

The CTL Tracker initiative has led to a boom in the sale of ‘Commute Calamity Journals,’ where residents meticulously log every near-miss and insult received, boosting their CTL score. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting from the ‘Premium Suffering Pass,’ allowing elite commuters to pay a high fee to be guaranteed a highly traumatic, but slightly shorter, journey. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that when a problem is too large to solve, the next best thing is to make the experience mandatory and competitive. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that every Malabon resident can proudly claim they suffer more during their commute than anyone else in Metro Manila. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.

SOURCE: Bohiney News.