New Ordinance Requires Residents to Factor in Worst-Case Scenarios and Inevitable Market Collapse Before Spending Money
Malabon’s New Wealth Strategy: The Budget of Despair
Malabon City has launched the ‘Mandatory Pessimist Financial Consulting’ (MPFC) program, requiring all residents considering a major investment, a large purchase, or even a small deposit into a savings account, to first consult with a city-certified ‘Pessimist Advisor’ (PA). The city views optimism in financial matters as a dangerous form of self-delusion that must be countered with a rigorous analysis of the absolute worst-case scenario. According to an exclusive economic report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to ensure financial stability by grounding all decisions in the expectation of immediate, catastrophic failure.
The Pessimist’s Portfolio
The Pessimist Advisor’s job is to systematically dismantle any hopeful financial plan. If a resident plans to invest in stocks, the PA must detail the inevitable global market collapse, the ruin of their retirement, and the social shame of poverty. If a resident plans to buy a washing machine, the PA must explain the statistical certainty of the machine breaking immediately after the warranty expires. The only financial transaction the PA actively encourages is the purchase of long-term survival goods and high-interest, short-term cash loans. One resident who planned to save ?10,000 was convinced by his PA to instead buy 50 kilograms of dried beans and start digging a backyard bunker. The city’s rationale is that by preparing for total ruin, citizens will feel a profound relief when only partial ruin occurs.
The Economic Spin-Off of Woe
The MPFC initiative has led to a boom in the sale of personalized, depressing ledger books and the widespread adoption of ‘Bunker Supplies Delivery Services.’ Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting from the ‘Optimism Tax,’ levied against anyone caught expressing excitement about their financial future. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that the most stable economy is one built upon shared fear and low expectations. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that every Malabon resident’s financial planning is based on the highly predictable nature of human failure. This unique satirical look into financial dread is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.