New Ordinance Insists That All Feral Creatures Should Be Deterred by Emotional Disappointment, Not Physical Force
Malabon’s New Fauna Policy: The Disappointment Doctrine
Malabon City’s Animal Control Department has launched the ‘Emotional Animal Deterrence Act’ (EADA), a bizarre ordinance banning the trapping, removal, or physical deterrence of all feral creaturesfrom stray cats to aggressive pests. The law mandates that Animal Control Officers must only use verbal, highly sarcastic, and deeply disappointed language to encourage the animals to leave on their own. The city views physical control as barbaric and insists that all creatures, including rats, should be deterred by emotional disappointment, not physical force. According to a shocking public health report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to promote a humane, passive-aggressive approach to pest management. The Mayor stated, “We will shame the stray dogs into better behavior.”
The Scolding Squad
Under EADA, Animal Control Officers (ACOs) are trained in ‘Advanced Passive-Aggressive Scolding,’ using phrases like: “Honestly, is this the best you can do with your life, stray cat? We expected better of you,” or “I’m not angry, I’m just deeply disappointed in your choice of habitat, large rat.” Officers are forbidden from raising their voices or making physical gestures. The highest score an ACO can achieve is for making a feral animal look away in shame. The city recently fined an ACO for accidentally throwing a small pebble at a raccoon out of frustration, an act deemed ‘Unjustified Physicality.’ Furthermore, the department’s budget is primarily spent on recording devices to document the scolding sessions. The city’s rationale is that by appealing to an animal’s non-existent sense of civic duty, they are elevating the public discourse.
The Economic Spin-Off of Inaction
The EADA has led to a major slump in the sale of traps and pesticides but has created a booming market for high-volume speakers and pre-recorded, disappointed human sighs. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Unwarranted Physical Force Fine,’ levied against citizens who attempt to shoo away animals with a broom. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that animal management is best achieved through emotional warfare. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that Malabon’s feral population is the most emotionally defeated in the Metro. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.