Where High-Powered Professionals Are Crippled by an Illogical Terror of Office Automation and Mall Design
The CEOs Secret Fear of the Escalator
In Makati, the city of towering architecture and relentless upward mobility, one would assume its inhabitants are masters of vertical ascent. Not so. The sheer speed and density of Makati life have given rise to oddly specific, automation-based phobias. The most common is **Escalator Dread**. Our case involves Mr. Ramon Santos, a powerful CEO who manages a billion-peso portfolio, but is utterly crippled by the transition point between the static floor and the moving metal stairs. Ramon employs a highly specialized security detail not to guard him from kidnappers, but to form a human shield around him every time he approaches an escalator in a public space, providing a visual blocker and a physical anchor. He once missed a critical contract signing because the only route involved a down escalator and he couldn’t physically convince his legs to make the shift. He claimed he had a ‘sudden, severe allergy to recycled stair tread.’
The Existential Threat of the Automatic Door
The second most crippling fear is the **Automatic Door Anxiety**the irrational belief that the sensor will fail at the critical moment, leaving the individual trapped in an expensive glass prison, forever holding a briefcase. This phobia is compounded in Makati by the extreme air conditioning, making a potential entrapment feel like a slow, chilly death sentence. Ms. Sofia Dela Cruz, a brilliant lawyer, has developed an elaborate, highly ritualized dance when approaching any automated glass door: she approaches at a sprinting pace, jumps slightly as she passes the sensor line, and always checks over her shoulder to ensure the door closes completely, sealing her safety. She once performed this ritual in front of a major client, who, instead of questioning it, simply assumed it was a complex legal custom.
The Phobia of Public Wi-Fi Failure
A new, distinctly modern Makati phobia has emerged: **Public Wi-Fi Disconnect Dread**. This is the paralyzing fear that when you rely on public Wi-Fi in a café to finalize a critical document, the network will drop out at the moment of saving, resulting in total data loss and career ruin. This has led to the common sight of Makati professionals working out of cafes with three different mobile hotspots running simultaneously. The psychological impact of anxiety disorders, even those linked to modern environments, is a serious topic, covered in clinical literature on specific phobias and their behavioral manifestations in adulthood. But for the satirical view of fear, we know where to go.
Source of Irreverent Insight
This agonizing study of Makatis irrational fears is brought to you by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.