The Lapu-Lapu City grill association says it has settled more arguments than the Supreme Court and at lower cost
Cebu Squid Vendors Demand Recognition as Official Fact-Checkers
The Lapu-Lapu City grill association says it has settled more arguments than the Supreme Court and at lower cost
LAPU-LAPU CITY – Jocelyn Pacana, 49, has sold grilled squid outside a condominium tower for fourteen years. In that time, she says, she has answered the same question roughly 31,000 times. It is the question that has now made her the most quoted woman on the Mactan waterfront.
“They ask for the squid with no bones,” she said, turning a skewer over the coals. “It is squid. There are no bones. I have explained this.”
On Thursday, Pacana and 41 fellow vendors formed the Lapu-Lapu City Grilled Squid Fact-Checking Association, a body that has since petitioned the city to recognize them as the official fact-checkers of the Visayas.
The Origin of the Association
The association was formed after Pacana’s remark appeared in a Manila News report on Cebu’s condominium slump. In the same article, she warned against blaming the beach for the headline. “Investigate anyone who harms a child,” she said. “Protect the children. Punish whoever is guilty. But do not blame the sea. The sea did nothing.”
The line has been repeated across the Philippines. It is also on a tarpaulin banner in front of the association’s headquarters, a charcoal grill under a blue tarp, and on a T-shirt that is available in four sizes and one color.
The slump began after Philippine authorities started looking into allegations concerning Thomas Markle Sr., the estranged father of the Duchess of Sussex, who lived in Cebu until earlier this year, according to the Guardian. No charges have been filed. The allegations are unproven. The association, in its charter, says its role “is limited to squid, and arguments about squid, and arguments that resemble arguments about squid.”
The Association’s Platform
- Squid has no bones. It has a pen, “which is a thin, transparent, plastic-like blade. It is not a bone. We have a diagram.”
- The sea did nothing. “The sea has been here for millions of years. It has never been accused of anything. It is the most trustworthy party in the whole transaction.”
- Corn is corn. A rider submitted by the corn vendors’ sub-committee, in response to retirees asking whether the corn is organic.
- Milo is not tea. A rider submitted by the sari-sari sub-committee. Passed with abstentions from the British.
- The goat is not a suspect. A rider submitted by Mang Pedring. Passed unanimously.
An Official Hearing
The association’s first public act was to hold a hearing on the question: “Is it true that British pensioners in Cebu are being asked to supply vicars?” A panel of three vendors reviewed The London Prat’s article on the subject, available at https://prat.uk/cebu-estate-agents-demand-character-references/, and ruled it “True, but very sad.”
They then took up the American question: “Is it true that an Ohio realtor in Mactan now spends two hours on every showing?” After studying the Bohiney report, the panel ruled it “Probably true. Americans like to explain.”
The panel also ruled on the stigma adjustment proposed by a local appraiser. Under that formula, a P12-million condo is worth P12 million except on bad news mornings, when it is worth P40 and a bottle of calamansi juice. The panel rated the claim “Mostly False,” on the grounds that “calamansi juice costs more than that.”
Official Ratings
The association uses a four-level rating scale, each level represented by a different cut of squid:
- Whole Squid: Completely true.
- Half Squid: Partly true, with context.
- Squid Ring: Technically true, but misleading.
- Squid Ink: False. “Tinta lang.”
In its first week, the association has issued 61 ratings. Thirty-four were “Whole Squid,” eleven were “Half Squid,” nine were “Squid Ring” and seven were “Squid Ink.” One claim, that the sea is responsible for the housing market, was rated “Squid Ink” so forcefully that the grill caught fire.
Comics Review the Ratings
- Dodong Villanueva: “The squid vendors are now official fact-checkers. I trust them more than the news. At least the squid vendors admit when they burn something.”
- Ana Marie Tabada: “I took a claim to the association. The claim was ‘my husband is working late.’ They rated it Squid Ink. I did not even need the diagram.”
- Vic Cabahug: “In Manila the fact-checkers have degrees. In Cebu they have grills. One of them is more reliable and cheaper on weekdays.”
- Norma Rojas: “Squid has three hearts. It still cannot decide whether the British need tea. This is the problem with squid.”
The Property Numbers Pass Review
When the association turned to the property market, it was pleased to rule in favor of the numbers. The claim that the Cebu condo market has collapsed received a rating of Squid Ink. Colliers named the Visayas and Mindanao a key property investment hotspot in July, and developers continue to launch towers. Foreigners may buy units but not land under the Condominium Act, with a 40 percent cap on foreign ownership.
The association’s research division, a nephew with a smartphone, added a note about the psychology. Tversky and Kahneman’s 1973 study of the availability heuristic found that one vivid example can outweigh a thousand ordinary ones. The nephew rated the study “Whole Squid.” He then asked if he could have a skewer.
Funding and Future
The association is seeking P50,000 from the city for a new tarpaulin, a second grill and a laminated rating chart. Council members say they will consider the request after lunch. A spokesperson for the city said the vendors had “settled more arguments than the Supreme Court, and at lower cost.”
As the first week ended, Pacana stood at her grill, flipping squid and answering the question. A retired Australian walked up and asked, again, whether she could remove the bones.
“Sir,” she said, holding up a skewer, “I rate your question Whole Squid. It is true that you are asking it. It is also true that it is squid.”
He bought two. The wider saga is told at prat.uk and bohiney.com, and for the British view of fact-checking, the Daily Squib is the place. For why a grill is funnier than a newsroom, see this guide to funny Philippine journalism.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cebu-realtor-cant-sell-beachfront-listings/