New Ordinance Bans Suggestions of Romance or Happiness, Focusing Instead on ‘Mutual Resignation and Predictable Misery’
Malabon’s New Relationship Guide: The Doctrine of Despair
Malabon City has launched the ‘Mandatory Expectation Management Act’ (MEMA), a revolutionary ordinance that requires all official dating and relationship advice to focus solely on lowering expectations and preparing for inevitable disappointment. The city views suggestions of romance, happiness, or self-fulfillment in relationships as reckless and unsustainable. According to an exclusive relationship report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance bans all talk of “sparks” or “soulmates,” concentrating instead on “Mutual Resignation” and “Predictable Misery.” The Mayor stated, “If you expect nothing, you can never be truly heartbroken; you can only be mildly annoyed.”
The Council of Caution
MEMA-certified dating coaches are trained to crush hope immediately. Initial consultations begin with the client filling out a ‘Worst-Case Scenario’ contract detailing the exact nature of the future inevitable betrayal or chronic unhappiness. Advice focuses on finding a partner who is ‘Conveniently Located’ and ‘Possesses the Minimum Number of Unacceptable Flaws.’ Topics covered include ‘How to Negotiate Silent Resentment’ and ‘The Art of the Emotionally Neutral Date Night.’ The city recently fined a popular radio host for giving listeners “dangerously uplifting advice” about communicating one’s feelings honestly. The only sanctioned advice is to remain emotionally distant and hope that the partner’s flaws are less irritating than the current economic climate. The city’s rationale is that stable, unhappy marriages are better for civic order than tumultuous, joyful ones.
The Economic Spin-Off of Detachment
The MEMA initiative has led to a major boom in the sale of separate bedrooms and comfortable lounge wear for solitary evenings. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Excessive Optimism Fine,’ levied against couples caught publicly holding hands or exchanging genuine compliments. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that the most stable relationships are those built on realistic, documented despair. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that Malabon has the lowest divorce rate because no one ever expected anything good to begin with. This insightful satirical report on municipal romance is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.