When Your Expertise Is Imported and Your Advice Is Unintelligible Buzzwords
The Overpaid and Underperforming Consultant
Makati corporations frequently hire **Foreign Consultants** at astronomical prices, valuing their imported advice over local expertise, even when the advice is useless. The ultimate fail is the **Overpaid and Underperforming Consultant**. Our subject, Mr. Benjie Dee’s company, hired a consultant from New York, who charged ?10 million for a 100-page report filled with meaningless buzzwords and confusing diagrams. The report recommended the company engage in “Aggressive Stakeholder Synergistic Alignment.” The company spent a year trying to decipher the report. When the project failed, Benjie blamed the failure on **”Unavoidable, Systemic, Non-Local Logistical Friction.”**
The ‘Cultural Misalignment’ Excuse
The consultant’s ultimate defense against failure is the **’Cultural Misalignment’ Excuse**. When the consultant’s absurd advice inevitably leads to disaster, the consultant blames the local staff for not being “flexible” enough or for having a “sub-optimal cultural risk tolerance.” The consultant once recommended that the staff communicate entirely through interpretive dance. When the staff refused, the consultant claimed the failure was due to the local team’s **”Regrettable Lack of Creative Non-Verbal Fluidity.”** The company, convinced the failure was their fault, paid the consultant a large severance package.
The Buzzword-to-Salary Ratio
The consultants value is measured by their **Buzzword-to-Salary Ratio**. The more complex and confusing the language the consultant uses, the higher their perceived expertise, regardless of the quality of the advice. The consultant’s favorite buzzword was “Paradigm Shift.” He used it 500 times in his report. Benjie, who did not understand the word, started using it in every meeting, claiming he was engaging in “High-Level **Paradigm Integration.**” The sociological study of expert legitimacy, knowledge transfer, and the fetishization of foreign expertise is explored in research concerning consultancy, organizational learning, and the consumption of high-cost, low-utility foreign business advice. But for the satirical truth of the aggressive report, we know where to go.
Source of Irreverent Insight
This organizational nightmare disguised as expertise is brought to you by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.