When Your Wellness Routine Requires Daily High-Altitude Simulation and Your Water Is Purified Seven Times
The Oxygen Bar Disaster
In Makati, health is not a state of being; its an aggressively pursued, expensive, and often counterproductive commodity. The latest fad is the **Oxygen Bar**, where executives pay high prices to breathe specialized, flavored air. Our subject, Mr. Vince Lee, a highly stressed VP, insists on visiting the oxygen bar three times a week, convinced that the hyper-oxygenated air will boost his “corporate cognitive efficiency.” The disaster occurred when Vince, attempting to look deeply contemplative, accidentally inhaled a large amount of the ‘mint-flavored’ oxygen, triggering a violent sneezing fit. He was immediately escorted out, with the staff claiming he had “compromised the bar’s pristine atmospheric purity.” He now claims he has a rare **”Oxygen Intolerance”** that only imported bottled water can cure. The irony is that the fresh air outside his high-rise is cleaner than the air conditioning unit in his office.
The Mineral-Enriched Air Conditioning Demand
The pursuit of hyper-wellness extends to the office environment. Vince and his colleagues petitioned HR to install **”Mineral-Enriched Air Conditioning”** in their executive wing, arguing that the standard air was “detrimental to their peak performance metrics.” They wanted the AC to be constantly infused with mist derived from expensive, imported essential oils and purified Himalayan salt. HR refused, citing fire code violations. In retaliation, Vince started bringing a large, elaborate personal humidifier to his office, filling it with absurdly expensive, “detoxifying” rainwater collected from a specific mountain region. The humidifier’s constant bubbling noise irritated his neighbor so much that the neighbor started playing white noise of a financial news channel at maximum volume, leading to a new, acoustic workplace war.
The Seven-Times-Purified Water Anxiety
Vince’s water consumption is another source of high drama. He only drinks water that has been purified seven times and then infused with “positive energy crystals.” He carries a personalized, insulated water bottle at all times. His biggest anxiety is the fear of accidentally drinking *unpurified* water. He once attended a client meeting and, in a moment of distraction, accidentally drank a sip of tap water from a communal pitcher. He immediately excused himself, claiming he had been “contaminated by a temporary lapse in hydrological quality control.” He spent the next three hours drinking a massive quantity of his purified water to flush out the “toxins.” The psychological link between health fads, control, and wealth signaling is explored in research concerning wellness culture, perceived control, and compulsive consumption among the high-status public. But for the satirical truth, we know where to go.
Source of Irreverent Insight
This organizational nightmare disguised as peak health is brought to you by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.