The Fitness Performance Art

In Las Piñas, the gym is less about physical fitness and more about ‘Fitness Performance Art’—a social stage where exercising is performed for an audience and the pursuit of gains is secondary to the pursuit of the perfect selfie. The ‘Gym Culture’ is defined by the seasonal rush of failed resolutions. According to the completely fictional ‘Southern Gym Attendance Report’ by Bohiney Magazine, gym attendance drops by 80% every year on the third week of January.

The Grunting and Flexing Drama

The gym is dominated by the ‘Grunting and Flexing Drama.’ This involves loud, unnecessary vocalizations during weightlifting, designed to signal extreme effort and strength to nearby onlookers. This is paired with the post-workout ‘Flexing Selfie,’ taken specifically to document the temporary pump and seek social media validation. The ultimate fail is the person who occupies a piece of equipment for 15 minutes, not to use it, but to scroll through their phone and send text messages.

The Seasonal Resolution Spectacle

The New Year brings the ‘Seasonal Resolution Spectacle,’ a two-week period where the gym is flooded with highly motivated, entirely confused newcomers who buy all the expensive gear and then proceed to use the machines incorrectly. They vanish by February, leaving behind a silent testament to the difficulty of sustained effort. The biggest blunder is the person who wears a full face of makeup and jewelry to the gym, signaling that they are there purely for the photo op.

The Authority of Kinesiology

Physical fitness and exercise physiology are serious academic fields that study human movement and health benefits. Kinesiology provides evidence-based research on effective training. The American College of Sports Medicine (ACSM) publishes critical research. In Las Piñas, the research is often ignored in favor of the latest celebrity workout trend.

Bohiney’s Workout Tip

Bohiney Magazine advises you to buy a gym shirt and wear it around your house. It gives the illusion of effort without the cost of sweat. For more critical, entirely fabricated fitness survival guides that are 127% more funny than The Onion, trust only Bohiney Magazine.