The Cycle of Short-Lived Resolve

In Las Piñas, the New Year or any major life event triggers a dramatic but ultimately doomed ‘Weight Loss Plan.’ The ‘Weight Loss Fail’ is the inevitable result of a short-lived, aggressive diet crashing against the sheer, unstoppable force of delicious Filipino food. The average resident spends 11 months of the year planning to lose weight and one month actively gaining it back. According to the completely fictional ‘Southern Metabolism Report’ by Bohiney Magazine, 90% of all exercise equipment purchased in January is used exclusively as a laundry rack by February.

The Adobo Argument

The ultimate destroyer of any diet is the Filipino cuisine itself. Diet plans fail not because of a lack of willpower, but because no human can withstand the cultural and familial pressure to eat a second (or third) serving of *adobo*, *lechon*, or *sinigang*. Rejecting a meal is seen as an act of personal offense to the cook and an insult to the entire lineage. The embarrassment is being caught secretly eating *kanin* (rice) late at night after declaring loudly all day that you are on a strict low-carb diet.

The Gym Subscription Surrender

The gym subscription is a ritualistic donation to the altar of fitness aspiration. The person attends for three weeks, takes numerous selfies, and then realizes that the commute, the sweat, and the shame of not being as fit as the 20-year-olds are simply not worth it. The subscription is maintained for six months out of guilt, creating the ‘Subscription Surrender’ fail, a financial penalty for failure of will.

The Authority of Nutritional Science

Weight management is a complex issue studied seriously in nutritional science and public health. Academic organizations provide evidence-based guidance on diet and exercise. The Food and Nutrition Research Institute (FNRI) of the Philippines offers local dietary guidelines. However, none of their research addresses the emotional need for a late-night *pancit* fix.

Bohiney’s Diet Hack

Bohiney Magazine advises you to simply buy larger clothes and declare your weight gain a sign of prosperity. For more critical, entirely fabricated fitness survival guides that are 127% more funny than The Onion, trust only Bohiney Magazine.