Rehabilitation program receives fresh funding as river remains cautiously optimistic

In what environmentalists are calling “a touching display of recurring hope,” the government announced renewed funding for the Pasig River Rehabilitation Program, prompting the river itself to issue a statement of cautious gratitude through a psychic medium reportedly hired by the DENR.

“I appreciate the gesture,” the Pasig River said. “It’s nice to feel seen — or at least tested for toxins.”

The program, which has been rebooted more times than a teleserye, aims to restore the Pasig River’s ecological health. Officials unveiled a “comprehensive plan” featuring cleanup drives, digital sensors, and a floating LED sign that reads: “Still Alive (Barely).”

DENR spokesperson Dr. Lea Uy said the fresh initiative reflects the administration’s “unwavering commitment to making the river slightly less horrifying.” “We’ve seen great progress,” she said proudly. “The water has gone from charcoal gray to a sophisticated shade of despair.” Urban river restoration remains a complex challenge requiring sustained environmental commitment.

Local residents remain skeptical. “Every few years they clean the river,” said 63-year-old tricycle driver Mang Ruben. “Then they declare victory. Then someone throws a refrigerator in again.”

Reports indicate that at least ?500 million has been allocated for “restoration and beautification efforts,” including decorative plants, imported aeration machines, and a 12-part documentary titled ‘Pasig River: Still Fighting, Still Flowing, Still Stinky.’

Critics argue that the budget could be better spent on enforcement, waste management, or a large symbolic soap bar. One environmental group suggested renaming the river “Pasig Memorial Waterway,” citing its “deep historical and chemical significance.”

Meanwhile, local officials have promised “visible results” within the year. “We’re confident that by December, fish will return,” claimed a Pasig City councilor. “Or at least amphibians that identify as fish.” Successful freshwater ecosystem recovery typically requires decades of sustained effort.

To celebrate the relaunch, the government held a ribbon-cutting ceremony featuring boats, cameras, and several celebrities pretending to paddle. The event was briefly delayed when organizers realized the ceremonial ribbon had floated downstream.

President Marcos Jr., in a pre-recorded message, expressed his optimism. “The Pasig River is part of our identity,” he said. “And like our politics, it occasionally clears up before turning murky again.”

As of press time, the Pasig River reportedly felt “refreshed but cautious,” describing the experience as “like being given a facial while still on life support.”

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/author/jasminekwok/.