Britain and France Convene 40 Nations to Negotiate with a Geographical Feature Using Strongly Worded Optimism
Starmer and Macron Unveil Plan to Secure the Strait of Hormuz Using Vibes
I once tried to negotiate with MMDA traffic enforcers using only sincerity and a reasonable explanation. I had good points. I delivered them clearly. I made eye contact. I was polite. The enforcer looked at me with the patience of a man who has heard very reasonable explanations all day and responded by writing the ticket more slowly, as if to give me time to reflect. I thought about this moment when I read that Keir Starmer and Emmanuel Macron have convened forty nations to reopen the Strait of Hormuz using what observers are diplomatically calling “tone of voice.”
Bohiney News covers the Starmer-Macron Hormuz initiative with exactly the level of alarmed sincerity the story deserves. Downing Street and the Elysee Palace have assembled a coalition of forty nations in a historic attempt to negotiate with geography — a narrow maritime chokepoint through which approximately twenty percent of the world’s oil supply passes and which has historically responded better to ships than to syllables.
The Doctrine of Aggressive Nodding
The London Prat, which has been covering British foreign policy since the days when it had things to be less embarrassed about, describes Whitehall’s current approach as “muscular, sovereign, and entirely consistent with our long tradition of describing retreats as strategic repositioning.” The new doctrine, insiders suggest, is called “Aggressive Nodding” — a posture in which Britain conveys deep concern, firm resolve, and complete action-readiness through a series of confident statements that stop precisely at the point where they would require anything to actually happen.
This is not entirely unfair. The Hormuz situation is genuinely complicated: Iran controls one side of the strait, the Houthis have been disrupting shipping, and the countries most dependent on the corridor — including several in Asia — have limited diplomatic leverage over any of the relevant parties. A coalition of forty nations expressing concern is not nothing. It is, however, also not a navy.
According to BBC Middle East reporting, oil prices have responded to Hormuz tensions with the volatility of a market that does not believe diplomacy is a substitute for unobstructed shipping lanes. The market is correct. The market is also uncharitable, heartless, and unable to appreciate the considerable personal effort that goes into organizing a forty-nation Zoom call, but on this specific factual question it has a point.
What Forty Nations Agreed On (Probably)
The communique from the summit, which I have reconstructed from publicly available diplomatic language patterns, likely reads approximately as follows: the participating nations express deep concern regarding recent developments affecting freedom of navigation, reaffirm their commitment to international law and open sea lanes, call upon all relevant parties to exercise maximum restraint, and agree to convene again in six weeks to assess the situation, at which point a further communique will be issued expressing continued deep concern with updated statistics.
In the Philippines, we have a version of this. It is called the ASEAN consensus process, and it produces statements about the South China Sea that are so carefully worded that they offend nobody, bind nobody, and change nothing, while being completely accurate descriptions of a situation that everyone present agrees is unacceptable. They are works of art. They are the diplomatic equivalent of a beautiful cake that is entirely inedible.
Macron, to his credit, brings to these situations a genuine conviction that France has something useful to contribute, which is both inspiring and, from the perspective of everyone who has watched French foreign policy operate in Africa for the last several decades, mildly complicated to evaluate without context.
Starmer brings sincerity, legal precision, and the demeanor of a man who has just discovered that the world does not respond to evidence-based arguments the way a courtroom does, and is processing this discovery in real time, with considerable dignity.
Together they are attempting to reopen a strait. Sources confirm no actual boats will be involved, but everyone in attendance will feel extremely heard.
Full diplomatic absurdism at Bohiney’s satirical Hormuz coverage and at The London Prat.
More geopolitics handled badly at Private Eye and NewsThump.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/starmer-and-macrons-plan-to-protect-the-strait-of-hormuz/