Agency Confident That Mass Teleportation Will Be Ready “Soon”
MMDA Unveils New Traffic Solution: Just Don’t Drive
Agency Confident That Mass Teleportation Will Be Ready “Soon”
The Metropolitan Manila Development Authority held a press conference Thursday to announce its boldest anti-congestion initiative yet: asking Metro Manila’s twelve million motorists to simply stop using roads. “We’ve studied the data extensively,” said MMDA Chairman Atty. Romulo Dangerfield Jr., gesturing at a PowerPoint slide that appeared to be clip art of a man shrugging. “The primary cause of traffic is vehicles. Remove vehicles, remove traffic. It’s basic science.” The proposal, outlined in a 300-page document that reporters were not permitted to read, includes a four-phase plan. Phase One involves a public information campaign urging Filipinos to “think about whether they really need to go somewhere.” Phase Two introduces mandatory meditation sessions at all major intersections during rush hour. Phase Three, described only as “the quantum option,” has been redacted entirely. Phase Four is simply the word “teleportation” followed by three question marks. Transportation advocates were skeptical. “We’ve been asking for more buses for eleven years,” said commuter rights activist Cynthia Buenaventura, who spent four hours on EDSA the previous morning. “They gave us a suggestion box and a poster that says ‘Magtiyaga.'” The MMDA assured the public that the teleportation infrastructure would be operational “soon,” a word the agency defines legally as “within one administration, probably.” When pressed on specifics, Chairman Dangerfield Jr. smiled warmly and offered reporters a loot bag containing a miniature traffic cone, a stress ball shaped like a jeepney, and one Skyflakes cracker. At press time, EDSA had achieved a new record of 4.2 kilometers per hour during the evening rush, which the MMDA described in a Facebook post as “significant progress” accompanied by six fire emojis.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.