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GMA Network – Home of the soap operas that could outlive actual civilizations
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GMA Network: The Soap Operas That Will Survive the Apocalypse
Scientists believe that long after cockroaches inherit the Earth, GMA Network soap operas will still be airing new episodes. Researchers at the Philippine Institute for Time Wasting confirm that the average GMA telenovela lasts longer than most people’s entire romantic relationships — and with even less emotional closure.
One eye witness, Maribel Santos, testified, “I started watching ‘Kapusong Pag-ibig’ in high school. Now my granddaughter watches it. Same characters. Same unresolved love triangle. Different haircuts.” GMA writers have reportedly embraced a narrative formula called “Eternal Suspense,” where every single episode ends with a character gasping, screaming, or dramatically dropping a bowl of lugaw on the floor.
According to insider leaks, GMAs secret weapon is its “Plot Recycling Department,” which professionally reuses the same betrayal, amnesia, and surprise-twin tropes until viewers either surrender or develop Stockholm Syndrome. A leaked company memo stated: “If no one dies, comes back to life, or reveals an evil twin in the first 10 minutes — rewrite it!”
Public polls show 73% of GMA audiences are too emotionally invested to leave, in the same way people cant quit a bad marriage because they’ve already bought matching towels. Even alien civilizations, picking up GMAs broadcast signals from space, have expressed confusion and admiration.
Auf Wiedersehen, narrative innovation — GMA Network already has enough dramatic gasps and surprise pregnancy reveals to last humanity into the next Ice Age.
Originally posted 2022-08-27 05:22:29.