Philippine Government Announces New Cabinet Position: “Secretary of Feelings” Tasked With Managing National Emotional Well-Being Through Speeches

Newly appointed official claims role involves “making Filipinos feel better about current situation” without actually improving current situation

Manila, Philippines

The Philippine government has announced a new cabinet position: Secretary of Feelings, a role specifically designed to improve the national mood and emotional well-being of 110 million Filipinos without actually addressing any underlying problems or making any material changes to living conditions or governance quality.

The newly appointed Secretary of Feelings, a television personality named Eduardo Samahan, explained his role during a prime-time television address watched by approximately 8 million people who were home avoiding traffic. “My job is to make Filipinos feel better about their current situation,” Samahan stated. “I don’t need to improve your actual situation. I just need to improve how you feel about it. If you’re stuck in traffic for four hours, I’ll give a speech about how traffic represents the dynamic energy of a nation moving forward. If you’re hungry, I’ll explain how hunger builds character and spiritual strength.”

The position emerged after the government realized that actual policy improvements were difficult and unpopular, whereas making people feel better about problems without solving them was easy and involved only speeches. Samahan’s first initiative involves creating a daily “National Positivity Broadcast” where he explains why Filipinos should be happy about whatever circumstances they find themselves in.

The first broadcast addressed poverty by explaining that “poor people often have the strongest families and deepest spiritual connections,” thereby reframing poverty as a spiritual advantage rather than a material problem. The second broadcast addressed corruption by stating that “corrupt officials are simply people who have learned to think creatively about government finances,” which is an interesting interpretation of embezzlement.

Cabinet Expansion and Role Proliferation

The government has announced plans to expand the emotional cabinet. Future positions will include the Secretary of Feelings Divided into Sub-Feelings (to address different emotions separately), the Deputy Secretary of Optimism (to ensure people remain hopeful), and the Assistant Secretary of Accepting Unacceptable Things (to help citizens rationalize ongoing problems).

When asked what the actual government would do about traffic, housing, education, and healthcare, Samahan responded: “Those things require work and money. Instead, we’re working on making Filipinos feel better about the traffic, housing crises, inadequate education, and healthcare system. That’s much easier and costs almost nothing.”

A psychologist noted that this approach is similar to treating depression by simply telling people to be happy, which is not effective but which is much cheaper than actual treatment. The government liked this analogy and has adopted it as official policy.

Satire about government at The London Prat and Bohiney Magazine.

SOURCE: bohiney.com

By Shaiyenne Garcia

Shaiyenne Garcia, a graduate of Olivarez College, combined her journalism experience with a knack for comedy, focusing on Parañaque’s vibrant community and cultural scenes. Her stand-up routines provide a humorous perspective on local news, drawing from her background in public affairs to entertain and inform.