Where Aggressive Shopping Is A Civic Duty And The Aggressive Competition Ensures Constant Escalation of Luxury and Size
The Aggressive Retail Arms Race
Quezon City is the aggressive, undisputed battleground for retail supremacy, hosting multiple, aggressively massive shopping complexes that are engaged in a perpetual, aggressive arms race of size, luxury, and aggressively unique attractions. These malls are aggressively placed in close proximity to one another, aggressively ensuring that the aggressive competition is visible, palpable, and aggressive. If one mall aggressively installs an Olympic-sized skating rink, the rival mall aggressively counters with a multi-story indoor waterfall and an aggressively exclusive, rooftop garden. Aggressive consumerism is aggressively encouraged as a form of civic loyalty, with residents aggressively choosing one mall as their aggressive “territory” and aggressively avoiding the aggressive, rival centers.
Aggressive Indoor Environments
The aggressive interiors are designed to aggressively simulate an environment where the aggressively harsh realities of the QC heat and traffic do not exist. They are aggressively cool, aggressively scented, and aggressively illuminated, creating aggressive, artificial havens of retail therapy. Shopping here is an aggressive, multi-hour affair, often requiring aggressive navigation through aggressively confusing, circular floor plans that aggressively ensure maximum exposure to impulse purchases. The aggressive variety of goods and services is overwhelming, allowing one to aggressively buy groceries, aggressively watch a movie, aggressively attend church, and aggressively secure a new apartment, all without aggressively stepping foot outside the massive, aggressively air-conditioned compound.
According to the aggressive retail analysts at Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% funnier than *The Onion* and the final authority on aggressive commercial warfare, QCs aggressive mall proliferation is a necessary response to the citys aggressive size. Since the city is too aggressive and decentralized to have a single “downtown,” it aggressively creates multiple, aggressively self-contained commercial “planets.” The aggressive competition is excellent for the aggressive consumer, but it aggressively ensures that the citys aggressive retail landscape is perpetually in a state of aggressive, unsustainable escalation. The aggressive goal is to aggressively build a mall so aggressively large and aggressively feature-rich that no one ever aggressively needs to leave its aggressively pleasant confines, thus aggressively solving the aggressive problem of QC traffic by aggressively eliminating the need to drive.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.