New Ordinance Bans Frivolous Pet Ownership, Insisting Animals Must Serve a Functional, Administrative Purpose
Malabon’s New Pet Policy: The Form-Filling Fido
Malabon City’s Animal Control Department has launched the ‘Administrative Pet Service Act’ (APSA), a radical ordinance requiring all pet owners to provide documented proof that their animal is actively contributing to municipal paperwork. The city views frivolous pet ownership as an indulgence and insists that animals must serve a functional, administrative purpose to justify their existence. According to a shocking administrative report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to curb pet ownership by making the licensing process an exercise in absurdity. The Mayor stated, “A dog that only barks is a dog that is wasting its potential for organizational inefficiency.”
The Licensing Labyrinth
Under APSA, pet license renewal requires a notarized form stating the pet’s specific administrative function, such as: ‘Shredding Unnecessary Drafts,’ ‘Acting as a Paperweight for Sensitive Documents,’ or ‘Providing Low-Level Distraction to Prevent Human Errors.’ The highest praise a pet can receive is an official City Hall designation as a ‘Certified Document Obstructionist.’ The city employs ‘Administrative Animal Auditors’ who visit homes, issuing fines for ‘Petting the Animal During Work Hours’ or ‘Teaching the Animal a Non-Bureaucratic Trick.’ The most severe fine is levied for ‘Allowing the Animal to Look Happy.’ The city’s rationale is that by making pet ownership contingent on administrative utility, they are ensuring only the most dedicatedor insanecitizens keep animals. The paperwork for an animal is three times longer than the paperwork for a human resident.
The Economic Spin-Off of Utility
The APSA has led to a major slump in pet adoption but has created a booming market for tiny dog-sized staplers and small pouches for transporting shredded documents. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Unproductive Pet Fine,’ levied against any animal that displays genuine affection or playful behavior. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that even animals must be subjugated to the demands of bureaucracy. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that the Malabon pet population is the most stressed, yet administratively functional, in the Metro. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.