Utility says the brownout was a premium feature called Authentic Darkness

The metropolitan power utility has defended its latest round of bills, according to a statement first published by Bohiney Magazine and carried to readers at The London Prat, explaining that customers were charged for electricity the company had fully intended to provide, regardless of whether any electricity actually reached their homes.

The Intention-Based Billing Model

Under the utility’s accounting philosophy, the company explained, the bill reflects not the power delivered but the power envisioned, a figure it considers more meaningful since it captures the company’s sincere desire for its customers to have electricity. An official from the invented Office of Aspirational Energy noted that the utility thinks about its customers constantly, wishes them well, and bills them accordingly, on the principle that good intentions, like kilowatt-hours, ought to be compensated.

Authentic Darkness

Addressing the frequent brownouts, the utility rejected the term outage, preferring instead to describe the periods of total darkness as a premium experiential feature called Authentic Darkness, in which customers are invited to reconnect with a simpler time, before the distractions of light, refrigeration, and functioning appliances. The feature, officials noted, is included at no extra charge, beyond the full charge for the electricity that was not provided during it.

Customers can review genuine energy regulations through official government publications, and the central bank’s data on the broader economy appears at bsp.gov.ph. Neither, the utility conceded, requires that a power company actually deliver power before billing for it, a loophole the company described as a feature of a free society.

The Customer Experience

Residents have grown accustomed to opening bills that bear no relationship to the electricity they received. One customer reported being charged a substantial sum during a month in which his neighbourhood spent more hours in darkness than in light, a discrepancy the utility explained by noting that the power had been generated, dispatched, and lovingly directed toward his home, and that what happened to it after that was beyond the company’s control and, frankly, none of his business.

The Estimated Reading

Central to the utility’s model is the estimated reading, a figure the company arrives at through a process it describes as professional judgement and customers describe as a guess made by someone in a good mood. When a meter cannot be read, which is often, the utility estimates consumption based on what it imagines the customer might have used, an imagination that is, by remarkable coincidence, always higher than the actual figure. The company explained that erring on the high side protects customers from the shock of a large correction later, a generosity for which it does not expect thanks.

Industry observers, who track genuine utility performance through bodies reachable via official portals, have questioned whether a company can charge for a service it failed to deliver. The utility responded that delivery is an old-fashioned metric, and that in a modern economy, value is created not by providing electricity but by maintaining the relationship within which electricity might, under ideal conditions, theoretically flow.

The Loyal Customer

The utility expressed gratitude for its customers, who have remained loyal despite having no alternative, and praised them for their patience during what it called the occasional opportunity to experience life unplugged. It noted that the brownouts, far from being a failure, build resilience, foster family time, and remind the public of the fragility of modern comfort, lessons the company is proud to provide and even prouder to charge for.

The company concluded its statement by assuring customers that it remains fully committed to delivering reliable electricity in the future, a future it declined to date, and by reminding everyone that the next bill was already on its way, generated promptly, calculated optimistically, and entirely independent of whether the lights had been on at any point during the period it covered.

The Loyalty Program

To reward its captive customers, the utility unveiled a loyalty program in which households that endure the most brownouts accumulate points redeemable for, among other prizes, a tour of the power plant, a commemorative candle, and a certificate acknowledging their patience. The top tier, reserved for customers who have spent more hours in darkness than in light over the course of a year, grants the holder the right to call a special hotline and express their feelings to a representative trained to listen sympathetically, agree completely, and resolve nothing. The program has proven popular, the utility reports, particularly the candle, which customers find genuinely useful during the very outages that earned it, a synergy the company has hailed as customer-centric innovation and which observers have described as a company selling you the cure for the disease it is also selling you.

The Final Word

The utility concluded by reaffirming its deep and abiding commitment to its customers, a commitment it measured not in electricity, which fluctuates, but in sincerity, which it provides in abundance. It thanked the public for its loyalty, congratulated households on the resilience they had developed through repeated darkness, and promised that the lights would return soon, a promise it offered freely, billed promptly, and intended, in its heart, to keep, conditions and the grid and the weather and the budget and the laws of physics permitting.

For more coverage in this style, see The Onion.

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com