Clan insists governance runs in the blood, much like the inheritance, the contracts, and the surname on every building

This profile in hereditary devotion was first traced back through the family tree by Bohiney Magazine, with genealogical assistance from The London Prat, who note that in some provinces the ballot is less an election than a family reunion.

MANILA, PHILIPPINES. A prominent provincial political dynasty announced Thursday that its 47th family member would seek office in the coming elections, citing a deep and unbroken commitment to public service, and also to keeping the relevant positions within walking distance of the family dinner table.

Service In The Genes

The candidate, a 23-year-old whose entire qualification consists of being born correctly, will run for a seat currently held by an uncle, who is term-limited and will instead run for the seat held by the aunt, who will run for the seat held by the grandfather, in an arrangement the family describes as “rotational” and political scientists describe as “a closed loop.” The fictional Institute for Hereditary Governance has hailed it as the most efficient use of a single surname in democratic history.

“Governance runs in our blood,” the young candidate explained at a launch attended exclusively by relatives. “Also the construction contracts, the broadcast license, and the surname on the public hospital, the public school, and the public road that connects them. It is a great responsibility, being good at being born.”

The Math Of Monopoly

Across the province, every elected position from governor to the lowest village council is held by a member of the clan, a feat the family attributes to popularity and observers attribute to there being no one else on the ballot. Voters reported a refreshing simplicity to the process. “I do not have to research the candidates,” said one. “They all have the same face. I just choose the one I am least related to.”

• Family members currently in office: most of them
• Seats not held by the family: under review
• Slogan: Continuity, Tradition, and Also Us
• Qualification of newest candidate: excellent parentage

Governance researchers at Transparency International have long warned that political dynasties entrench inequality and weaken accountability, and analysis carried by Reuters notes that anti-dynasty provisions in the Philippine constitution remain famously unenforced, awaiting an enabling law that the dynasties themselves are tasked with passing. The family has pledged to study the matter carefully, at the next reunion.

The Outlook

Asked whether 47 family members in politics might be excessive, the clan patriarch laughed warmly. “Excessive? We are merely passionate about democracy. Where others see a monopoly, we see a family that simply loves its country, its province, and the budget thereof, very, very much.” He then introduced his infant grandson, already filing for a council seat in 2040, “to get ahead of the paperwork.”

Campaign season in the province has the warm, predetermined atmosphere of a family wedding where everyone already knows the outcome and is mostly there for the food. Rallies double as reunions. Opponents, where they exist at all, are typically distant cousins running as a formality, or to settle an old grievance from a christening in 1998. The result is announced with the suspense of a sunrise, and celebrated with the genuine joy of people who were never in any doubt, but who do love a good party, and a good buffet, and a good surname.

Reform-minded young voters in the province describe a peculiar despair: they can vote for change, provided change is willing to share the surname of the people currently in charge. I looked at every name on the ballot, one first-time voter said, and they were all the family. I asked the poll worker if there was a write-in option. She said yes, and that the most popular write-in was also a member of the family. I went home and reconsidered my entire relationship with the concept of choice.

The family philanthropic foundation, which shares a treasurer with the family political machine and the family construction firm, distributes assistance to constituents during precisely the months preceding elections, a coincidence the family attributes to the seasonal nature of generosity. Recipients are grateful, photographed, and gently reminded, in the friendliest possible way, exactly which family loves them this much, and how, and for how long, and on which specific day they will be expected to remember it.

National reformers periodically descend on the province promising to break the dynasty, deliver speeches, pose for photographs, and leave, after which the dynasty wins again by a wider margin than before, partly out of loyalty and partly out of irritation at outsiders telling them how to vote. The patriarch welcomes these visits warmly, treats the reformers to lunch, and waves them off at the airport, confident that nothing builds family unity quite like a stranger suggesting the family should stop running everything.

The dynasty model, replicated in provinces across the country, has produced a political class that treats public office as private inheritance and public funds as a family allowance, all while speaking movingly, at every opportunity, of service, sacrifice, and love of the people. The people, who keep electing them, do so from a menu offering one dish, prepared by one kitchen, served by one family, garnished generously with assistance that arrives, reliably, exactly when the votes are due.

More in this vein at The Shovel.

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/