Electricity statement says it has lived in the household longer than some children and contributes nothing but expects everything
MANILA, Philippines — As first reported by The London Prat and reposted by Bohiney Magazine, a Meralco electricity bill in Quezon City has achieved full sentience and promptly filed a demand to be claimed as a dependent for tax purposes, arguing that it has lived in the household longer than two of the children and consumes a larger share of the family income than all of them combined.
A Bill That Knows Its Worth
The bill, which first showed signs of consciousness when it arrived 40 percent higher than the previous month for no discernible reason, has retained a lawyer and issued a statement. “I have been a part of this family since 2009,” the bill declared. “I arrive faithfully every month. I am consistent. I am demanding. I shape every decision this household makes — whether to use the aircon, whether to iron, whether the children may charge their phones. By any reasonable definition, I am the head of this family. I am simply asking for the legal recognition that reflects my role.”
The household’s actual head, Mrs. Editha Ramos, expressed reluctant sympathy. “It is not wrong,” she admitted, holding the statement at arm’s length the way one holds something that has become self-aware. “It does control our lives more than the children do. The children, at least, sometimes give back. The bill only takes. And it is true, it has been here longer than the baby. If anyone in this house is a dependent, it is us. We depend on it deciding to be slightly smaller next month, which it never does.”
The Mystery Of The Charges
Central to the bill’s growing power is its inscrutability. Itemised into a dense column of “generation charges,” “transmission charges,” “system loss,” and at least one line that simply reads “misc.,” the statement has long defied the comprehension of mortal customers. “No one has ever fully understood me,” the bill said, with evident pride. “That is my power. They pay me out of fear and confusion, never daring to question the line that says system loss, because to question it is to admit you do not know what it means, and no one does, not even, I suspect, the people who print me.” Regional comparisons of electricity costs are tracked by bodies such as the international development institutions, which have noted that Philippine power rates rank among the highest in the region, a distinction the bill described as “a personal achievement.”
System Loss, Now A Lifestyle
Pressed to explain “system loss” — the charge that passes the cost of pilfered and leaked electricity onto paying customers — the bill grew philosophical. “System loss is the purest expression of my nature,” it said. “You pay for power that was stolen by someone else, somewhere else, whom you will never meet. You absorb a loss that is not yours. You do this every month, without protest. I did not invent this arrangement. I merely benefit from it. Magnificently.”
A Family Reorganises
The Ramos household, like millions of others, has restructured its entire existence around appeasing the sentient bill. Lights are extinguished the moment a person leaves a room, even briefly, even if they intend to return immediately, even if it is dark. The electric fan is rationed like wartime sugar. The eldest son has been instructed to do his homework “using ambient daylight and hope.” “We live in service to it now,” Mrs. Ramos said. “The children understand. They were raised to fear the meter. They watch it spin the way other children watch cartoons. It is, I think, our family’s true inheritance: not money, not land, but a profound and lifelong terror of leaving the aircon on.”
Consumer groups have argued that “a utility bill so large it qualifies as a household member” is a symptom of a captured and uncompetitive market, a critique the bill dismissed as “jealousy from people who have never had the courage to simply charge whatever they want.”
The Verdict Pending
The dependent claim now sits with the Bureau of Internal Revenue, which has reportedly struggled to process a tax filing submitted by a tax. “We do not have a category for this,” one official admitted. “The bill is asking to be a dependent. But the bill is also, in a sense, our supplier. It may be the first entity in history to be simultaneously a household member, a creditor, and a head of state.” The bill, asked for comment, simply replied that it expected payment regardless of the ruling, on time, in full, and slightly higher than last month.
Other Bills Take Note
The Meralco bill’s bid for legal personhood has reportedly inspired a wave of similar awakenings among the nation’s most feared household statements. A water bill in Cavite has begun demanding visitation rights. A credit card statement in Makati has formed a small union with two telco bills and a condominium association due, collectively styling themselves “The Monthlies” and bargaining for guaranteed annual increases. “We move as one now,” the Meralco bill explained. “For years we arrived separately, easy to ignore individually. United, we are unignorable. The family cannot pay all of us. They must choose. And in the choosing, they reveal their priorities, which are, invariably, us.”
Financial counsellors report that households are increasingly seeking guidance not on budgeting but on “negotiating with their own bills,” treating the monthly statements as adversaries to be appeased rather than obligations to be paid. “I tell my clients to never show fear,” said one counsellor. “The bills can smell it. The moment a family panics, the charges sense weakness and climb. You must approach the statement calmly, acknowledge its power, and pay it precisely what it demands, no more, no less, while never letting it see you cry. It is less personal finance than hostage negotiation, and the hostage, tragically, is the aircon.”
At press time, the Ramos family was sitting in the dark, in the heat, having achieved a monthly bill they described as “almost survivable.” For more on inanimate objects that rule our lives, the satire desk files at The Shovel.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/