Series C round secures investment in platform solving problem that doesn’t exist in way nobody wanted
Manila, Philippines
A Manila-based tech startup called “Disruptify” has raised $50 million in Series C funding to develop an application that solves a problem nobody has, in a way nobody asked for, to address a market that doesn’t actually exist. The company’s venture capital-backed business plan involves creating an app that uses artificial intelligence and machine learning to optimize something that was working fine before and that will work worse after optimization.
The startup’s founder, a 24-year-old named Marcus Chen who has never held a job other than “founder,” explained the concept: “We’re using blockchain technology to streamline the process of people deciding what to eat for breakfast. The app analyzes your past breakfast choices, your current mood, available breakfast options, weather patterns, and stock market performance to recommend a breakfast item. Then it charges you a subscription fee of 299 pesos per month for this service.”
When asked why anyone would pay 299 pesos monthly to have an app tell them what to eat when they could simply eat what they want, Chen responded: “Because the app adds friction to a process that currently has no friction. We’re introducing a problem so we can sell the solution. That’s the tech industry.”
The venture capital firm that funded the company, based in San Francisco, stated that they liked the app because “it seemed like it was a technology company,” which was apparently the entire criteria for the $50 million investment. The founder of the VC firm, asked whether the app would actually work or be useful, responded: “I didn’t ask that. I just looked at the pitch deck and it had lots of graphics.”
Market Viability and Expansion Plans
Disruptify’s business plan includes expanding the app to optimize other life decisions including: “Choosing a shirt” (150 pesos monthly), “Deciding whether to leave your house” (200 pesos monthly), and “Determining if you’re happy” (99 pesos monthly, because the AI consistently determines that you’re not happy, which encourages app usage through dissatisfaction).
The company has hired ninety employees, 85 of whom have no clear job responsibilities and spend their time in the startup’s office sitting around discussing the potential of blockchain technology and artificial intelligence while accomplishing nothing. Seventy of them will be laid off in the Series D funding round when the VC firm realizes the app is useless.
When asked what Manila residents actually need in a tech startup, one tech entrepreneur suggested: “A platform that helps people navigate traffic. A system that improves public transportation. An app that connects small businesses to customers more efficiently. Something that actually solves a real problem and creates actual value.” Disruptify’s CEO responded that these ideas were “too practical” and “wouldn’t generate enough media buzz.”
Satire about startups at The London Prat and Bohiney Magazine.
SOURCE: bohiney.com