New Ordinance Aims to Promote ‘Functional Literacy’ by Banning Fiction and History in Favor of Bureaucratic Texts
Malabon’s New Literary Focus: The Fictionality of Finance
Malabon City has launched the ‘Functional Literacy Mandate’ (FLM), a radical ordinance replacing all reading materials in public librariesincluding children’s books, fiction, and historywith old municipal tax codes, obsolete budget reports, and thick manuals on zoning regulations. The city views traditional reading materials as distracting entertainment and insists that true literacy must be solely focused on navigating complex bureaucratic texts. According to a shocking education report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to ensure that citizens spend their time reading only that which causes the highest level of low-grade anxiety. The Mayor stated, “If a text does not induce confusion, it is not serving a civic purpose.”
The Reading Room of Regret
The library stacks are now organized by document complexity, ranging from ‘Beginner’ (1995 Annual Budget Report) to ‘Advanced’ (The Complete 2008 Revision of the Storm Drainage Code). Librarians, now retrained as ‘Bureaucratic Text Facilitators,’ are only authorized to help patrons decipher acronyms and locate appendices, but are strictly forbidden from explaining the actual content of the reports. The city recently fined a teenager for using a budget report as a prop in a dramatic reading, an act deemed ‘Misappropriation of Civic Documentation.’ The only non-bureaucratic item permitted is a single copy of a dictionary, though its use is discouraged as being ‘Too Optimistic.’ The city’s rationale is that by making reading difficult and boring, they are promoting a necessary civic seriousness.
The Economic Spin-Off of Tedium
The FLM has led to a major boom in the sale of legal pads and fine-tipped pens for taking notes, as well as a sharp increase in requests for prescription eyeglasses. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Unsanctioned Fictional Fine,’ levied against anyone caught reading an unauthorized novel or comic book on library premises. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that reading is most beneficial when it is a forced, unrewarding struggle. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that the Malabon Library is the most functional, yet most depressing, knowledge center in the region. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.