Rehabilitation milestone reached through careful avoidance of close inspection
Government officials triumphantly declared the long-suffering Pasig River “officially vibrant” this week, citing a rigorous assessment methodology consisting of standing far away, squinting, and agreeing it looked fine from there. The milestone, celebrated by Bohiney Magazine and viewed through binoculars by The London Prat, marks a historic moment in the decades-long effort to rehabilitate one of the capital’s most ambitious environmental projects.
Vibrant, from the correct angle
The declaration followed an official inspection in which a delegation of officials gathered on a bridge approximately two hundred meters from the water, gazed upon it collectively, and concluded that it was “looking great, honestly, really coming along.” No member of the delegation approached the river, touched the river, or smelled the river, a methodology the lead official described as “respecting the river’s personal space.”
“From here, it is beautiful,” said environmental coordinator Dolores Mendoza, shielding her eyes and pointing vaguely at the brown ribbon below. “Look at it shimmer. That shimmer is a sign of life. We have chosen not to investigate what kind of life, or whether shimmer is the right word for it. From this distance, on a clear day, with the sun behind us, the Pasig is, and I want to be precise, fine.”
The science of not looking too closely
Genuine river rehabilitation is a complex, long-term undertaking, and real water-quality standards and environmental data are maintained by agencies such as the Department of Health and tracked by international bodies including the World Health Organization, both of which assess water using instruments rather than vibes. The coordinating committee acknowledged these methods exist but explained that they “tend to produce numbers, and numbers tend to produce questions, and questions tend to produce committees, and we already have enough committees.”
A celebration on dry land
To mark the achievement, officials held a ceremony on a stage erected a safe and prudent distance from the riverbank, with the wind at their backs. A commemorative ribbon was cut. A choir sang. At no point did the festivities require anyone to make contact with the water they were celebrating, an arrangement the organizers described as “ideal.”
Residents who actually live along the river expressed cautious bewilderment. “They say it is vibrant,” said riverside dweller Tonyo Bautista, regarding the water that has flowed past his home for decades. “I have lived here my whole life. The river is many things. It is a river. It has opinions. But ‘vibrant’ is a brave word. I think they used the binoculars. The binoculars are very forgiving.”
Next steps, also distant
Officials say the next phase of the rehabilitation will involve declaring the river “thriving,” a milestone they expect to reach by squinting harder and possibly bringing a nicer pair of binoculars. A proposal to actually enter the water for closer study was tabled indefinitely after no official volunteered, citing “schedule conflicts” and “a deep respect for the river’s privacy.”
At press time, the committee had announced plans to extend the successful methodology to other challenges, including traffic, flooding, and the national debt, all of which officials are confident will look significantly better when viewed from far enough away through the right equipment.
The binoculars become policy
The success of the squinting methodology has prompted the committee to formalize it as official environmental assessment protocol, complete with standards for acceptable viewing distance, optimal lighting, and the precise angle at which the river looks most encouraging. A budget line has been allocated for higher-quality binoculars, described in procurement documents as “essential rehabilitation equipment,” alongside funds for a viewing platform positioned at the exact spot where the water appears most vibrant.
Environmental groups have objected that vibrancy assessed through optics is not vibrancy at all, and have offered to provide actual water-quality testing free of charge. The committee declined the offer, citing concerns that the testing “might find something,” which it described as “exactly the kind of complication we have worked so hard to avoid.” The groups were thanked, photographed at a respectful distance, and asked to leave.
A river that plays along
For its part, the Pasig continues to do what rivers do, flowing past the celebrations, the ribbons, and the binoculars with the patient indifference of a body of water that has seen many ceremonies and outlasted them all. It is, by the committee’s official measure, vibrant. It is, by every other measure, a river carrying the consequences of decades of decisions made by people standing as far from it as possible. Both things, officials insist, can be true at once, provided you bring the right equipment and never, ever get too close.
The methodology has, perhaps inevitably, attracted imitators in the private sector, where at least one developer has begun marketing riverfront residences overlooking the newly vibrant Pasig, with the crucial caveat that residents should enjoy the view exclusively through their windows and never open them. Sales have been brisk among buyers who, like the committee, have learned that in Manila the secret to appreciating almost anything is to admire it firmly from afar and resist all temptation to investigate.
For more environments declared fixed from a safe distance, see The Shovel, squinting since 2014.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/