New Study Finds 98% of NCR Residents Already Operating at Lethal Caffeine Levels

DOH Warns Filipinos About Dangers of Not Drinking Enough Coffee

New Study Finds 98% of NCR Residents Already Operating at Lethal Caffeine Levels

The Department of Health released an alarming public health advisory Tuesday warning that insufficient coffee intake poses significant risks to Metro Manila’s working population, citing a new study from UST School of Public Health titled “Kapeng Mainit: National Security Concern.” The study, funded in part by Kopiko and a grant from an unnamed source whose logo resembles a Starbucks siren in a barong, found that Filipinos who consumed fewer than four cups daily showed measurable declines in commute tolerance, Zoom meeting endurance, and the ability to smile at their boss while internally screaming. “We are seeing a crisis,” said DOH spokesperson Dr. Marisol Batungbakal-Cruz, who was on her sixth cup and vibrating slightly. The advisory recommends three to five cups per day for office workers, up to seven for call center agents, and “whatever it takes” for public school teachers, a group the DOH described as “performing miracles daily on budgets that would make a ghost cry.” The Philippine Coffee Board welcomed the announcement and pledged to increase domestic production, though noted that most Philippine-grown coffee is exported and that Filipinos primarily drink Vietnamese and Indonesian beans. This observation was called “unpatriotic” by a senator who filed a resolution about it and then forgot. At press time, seven new coffee shops had opened within walking distance of the DOH office, two of which were inside the DOH office.

SOURCE: Bohiney News.