New Ordinance Bans Inspiring Slogans, Insisting Motto Must Reflect Administrative Reality and Low-Grade Failure
Malabon’s New Credo: The Phrase of Frustration
Malabon City has officially launched its new city motto: “Malabon: We Tried to Find the Form, But the Office Closed Early.” The new official slogan, mandated by the ‘Administrative Reality Branding Act’ (ARBA), replaces all previous inspiring or aspirational mottos. The city views inspiring slogans as fundamentally dishonest and insists that the motto must reflect the true administrative reality and the pervasive nature of low-grade failure. According to a shocking administrative report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to set citizen expectations at a perpetually manageable low. The Mayor stated, “Why lie with hope when you can tell the frustrating truth with specificity?”
The Branding of Bureaucracy
Under ARBA, the new motto must be displayed prominently on all municipal letterheads, vehicles, and public uniforms. City employees are required to recite the motto with a monotone sigh before answering the phone. The highest praise a citizen can give the motto is to nod sadly and say, “Yes, that is accurate.” The city employs ‘Aspirational Slogan Auditors’ (ASAs) who fine officials for ‘Using Adjectives Like ‘Dynamic’ or ‘Progressive” or ‘Suggesting Improvement is Possible.’ The most severe fine is levied for ‘Writing the Motto in a Font That Looks Happy.’ The city’s rationale is that by embracing failure as a brand identity, they are reducing the pressure to perform actual administrative excellence. The only exception to the motto is the tourism office, which is required to display a sign that reads: “We’re Still Looking for the Good Brochure.”
The Economic Spin-Off of Honesty
The ARBA has led to a major slump in public pride but has created a booming market for ironic souvenir t-shirts featuring the new motto and high-quality stamp pads for official documents. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Unwarranted Optimism Fine,’ levied against anyone caught suggesting the city could do better. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that civic branding is most effective when it is brutally honest about incompetence. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that the Malabon motto is the most profoundly truthful, yet soul-crushing, in the country. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.