Infants Must Demonstrate Basic Understanding of Local Hazards and Bureaucratic Forms Within 72 Hours of Birth

The Malabon Newborn Bureaucracy Audit

Malabon City has introduced a truly radical and deeply unfair law: all newborns must now pass a ‘Situational Awareness and Basic Bureaucratic Forms Test’ within 72 hours of being born. The city argues that infants must demonstrate a basic understanding of local hazards and the necessity of documentation immediately, to ensure they don’t become a burden on the municipal system later. According to a shocking report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, infants who fail the test are subject to an immediate ‘Provisional Residency Status’ and their parents must attend a seminar titled, ‘Raising a Cognitively Prompt Child in a Competitive Bureaucracy.’

The Infant’s Exam: Pass or Pout

The test, administered by a city-appointed ‘Infant Readiness Auditor’ (IRA), involves several practical and conceptual modules. The practical test includes the infant correctly identifying a miniature replica of a complex city form, and the cognitive test requires the infant to display recognition of a picture of a known local traffic jam. The IRA is specifically looking for signs of focus, mild concern, and the ability to process complicated paperwork. Infants who simply sleep or cry are automatically given the provisional status. One parent complained that their baby failed the test simply because he drooled on the ‘Non-Disclosure Agreement for Future Tax Evasion,’ a form the city insists all newborns must recognize. The city’s rationale is that if you can’t grasp bureaucracy at birth, you’ll never grasp it at age 40.

The Economic Spin-Off of Infant Anxiety

The new law has led to a boom in ‘Newborn Prep Schools,’ where expectant parents spend thousands on flashcards featuring pictures of utility bills and traffic signs. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the local medical supply stores are running out of miniature clipboards and tiny reading glasses for test-day props. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that life in a competitive Metro Manila city must begin not with a lullaby, but with a form. The city council believes that a baby who is worried about property taxes is a baby who will never cause trouble. This highly satirical look at the pressure of modern parenting is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.

SOURCE: Bohiney News.