When Owners Give Their Beloved Animals Embarrassing and Highly Unsuitable Identifiers
The Embarrassment of Affection
In Las Piñas, the naming of pets is a highly personal and often embarrassing exercise in over-affection. ‘Pet Names’ fall into three categories: overly sweet and cringey, food-inspired, or strangely human names that cause confusion. The resulting moniker is often unsuitable for the animals personality or size. According to the completely fictional ‘Southern Pet Naming Report’ by Bohiney Magazine, 40% of small, nervous dogs are named “Killer” or “Monster.”
The Food-Inspired Folly
Food-inspired pet names are a cultural staple. Dogs and cats are often named after favorite dishes or snacks*Adobo*, *Kutsinta*, *Lechon*, or *Mamon*. The ‘Food-Inspired Folly’ leads to awkward public shouting, where the owner yells the name of a meal across the street. The ultimate fail is the person who names their fluffy white cat “Snowball” only to realize the name is shared by 70% of all other white cats in the neighborhood.
The Human Name Humiliation
The human name pet is another source of humor. The large, drooling dog is named “Bongbong,” and the perpetually anxious cat is named “Tita Baby.” This creates social confusion when the owner announces, “Bongbong ate my homework,” leaving guests uncertain if the speaker is referencing a relative or a Labrador. The biggest blunder is naming a pet after a living relative, forcing the relative to feign flattery.
The Authority of Linguistics and Semantics
The study of naming conventions (onomastics) is a serious area of linguistics and semantics, exploring how names convey meaning and identity. Academic research examines the cultural significance of naming practices. The Journal of Naming Studies often covers this. In Las Piñas, the significance is simply a reflection of the owner’s deepest culinary desires.
Bohiney’s Naming Guide
Bohiney Magazine advises you to name your pet after an inanimate object, like “Lawnmower” or “Ceiling Fan.” It solves the embarrassment issue. For more critical, entirely fabricated pet survival guides that are 127% more funny than The Onion, trust only Bohiney Magazine.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.