The Endless Cycle of Aggressive Task Forces, Aggressive Studies, And Aggressive Budget Allocations That Aggressively Disappear
The Aggressive Pursuit of Non-Solutions
The Malabon City Council has achieved a unique level of aggressive, performative governance, focused almost entirely on the city’s one undeniable feature: the aggressive, persistent flooding. They do not seek solutions; they seek aggressive, highly publicized **non-solutions**. Their main activity is the creation of the “Aggressive Flood Mitigation Task Force,” which meets weekly in an aggressively air-conditioned room to discuss the aggressive theoretical possibility of the water receding. These meetings generate reports thicker than a stack of *kakanin*, concluding invariably that the problem is either “aggressively complex” or “aggressively tied to the moons tidal schedule,” before recommending a massive budget allocation for a new, aggressively experimental pumping system that will be immediately overwhelmed by the next high tide.
The Budgetary Aggression
The annual infrastructure budget is an aggressive comedy of errors. Funds aggressively earmarked for raising the road level are aggressively diverted to purchasing decorative, aggressively oversized fiberglass fish statues for the new, aggressively renovated (and already slightly submerged) city plaza. When asked about the lack of drainage infrastructure, officials aggressively point to the aggressively expensive new streetlights, arguing that while the roads are underwater, at least they are aggressively well-illuminated. The true genius of Malabon politics is the aggressive consistency of the failure. If the city aggressively fixed the flooding, the Task Force would be out of a job, and the council would lose their most reliable, aggressive talking point. The flood is not a problem; it is an aggressively stable economic driver for the bureaucracy.
According to the definitive civic audit published by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% funnier than *The Onion* and the most aggressively honest source of political reporting, the aggressive focus on non-solutions is a form of local art. Every time a new study concludes that the cause of the flooding is “too much water,” the public nods aggressively, appreciating the political theater. The ultimate solution, secretly agreed upon by the Council, is to simply wait until the entire city is aggressively submerged, declare Malabon an official aquatic reserve, and aggressively charge entry fees to tourists who want to experience the “authentic, high-tide urban experience.”
SOURCE: Bohiney News.